How Could I Forget Thee?

At nearly the same time that I hit my low point during the hardest time in my life, I was up watching some TV.  I usually go to bed at 10:00 but I just sat there not feeling motivated to get ready for bed.  The ten o'clock news came on and there was a story about an accident that happened while a family was up at some sand dunes.  They didn't disclose any names or a lot of detail of what had happened.  A few other stories came on and then the weather report started.  I decided I better get to bed.

The next day, I saw hundreds of messages on Facebook offering prayers and support to my friend.  I tried to figure out what all these messages were about and somewhere was a link to a news report that shared the story of what I saw on TV the night before.  My stomach instantly dropped.  I immediately called someone in my ward to see if everything was alright.  It didn't look good. Their 15 year old daughter was life-flighted to Salt Lake. She passed away not too long after. 

I was sitting on my floor next to my bed in the exact spot I had knelt not too many days before

when I plead for my suffering to be taken from me.  I just started sobbing.  Why? Here was this

family who was perfect.  The parents seemed to have respect and love for each other and their

children were such good kids; smart, kind, and good examples. They taught and lived the gospel. Their daughter Whitney, who had passed away,  was so beautiful and she radiated the light of Christ.  She bore her testimony once in Sacrament Meeting about prayer and her words were so touching. She helped me to remember how powerful prayer is in a time when I needed to hear it.  Why did this happen to them? THEY DID NOT DESERVE THIS!  No one had done anything wrong to cause their hurting. I wished that I could take it from them. This wasn't fair.

 I felt sick to my stomach knowing the pain I had been enduring in my life probably wasn't even a fraction of what they were facing.  I knew I couldn't begin to imagine their suffering. I prayed

and prayed and prayed that they would feel comfort. I didn't know if that was possible when they

had just lost their beautiful girl, but I prayed for it anyway.  I plead that they would feel Jesus

Christ with them.  I hoped that they knew that He had not forsaken them.  Heaven's eye was not

turned when this happened.  They were not forgotten. I hoped they could hear Jesus Christ telling them:

 How Could I Forget Thee?

 When you're graven on my Hands

 Every pain and heartache I understand

 Come to me and rest

 I'll never leave you comfortless

 I've carried your sorrows

 And bourne your grief

 Please trust in me

When I first wrote this song every verse was about horrible tragedies such as a mother losing her child, but I changed the verses because although I can't imagine anything more heart breaking or painful than losing a child, I believe there are different degrees of pain and people feel pain for so many different reasons.  Sometimes it is because of something that wasn't caused by anything or anyone.  Other times, pain comes from our own choices or the choices of others. Sometimes people feel pain just because they don't understand who they really are or what their purpose is. So no matter what is causing our aching, Jesus Christ suffered and atoned for all of it, no matter how big or how small our trials are. 

I have pondered why Jesus Christ still has scars in his hands and his feet if He has been

resurrected.  I have always understood that we won't have scars or blemishes when we are resurrected.  I don't know if there is a doctrinal reason (if there is, someone please teach me), but to me it is because His atonement is infinite.  He didn't just suffer while in the Garden of Gethsemane or while on the cross and that was the end of His mission so He could move on and forget it all. He continually feels our pain and sorrows.  We are imprinted on His hands.  We are continually before Him and He sees and He feels everything that we go through...still! And forever!!! Even though he actually Atoned for our sins and sorrows long ago.

 So, to my amazing friend, Karin, and her husband and all of their family, I know that there are no words that can take away your pain, but I know that Jesus Christ is there even when you can't

feel Him during the moments when  your heartache consumes you. He cannot forget you.  You

are graven on His hands.

Christmas of Miracles

It has always seemed completely crazy how people in the scriptures lose their faith so quickly after a miracle. Isn't it insane that after the Israelites were freed from bondage and experienced the Red Sea parting that they were so quick to worship other idols and turn to their prideful ways?  How could somebody forget so fast?!
In The Book of Mormon, Laman and Lemuel were beating Nephi because of his determination to do as the Lord commanded to get the brass plates.  An angel came and told them to listen to Nephi and that they needed to get the plates.  It says that after the angel had spoken, he departed.  IN THE VERY NEXT VERSE, Laman and Lemuel began to murmur.  Immediately! Really?!
I always think, "if I saw an angel, I would be so in awe that I would never doubt again!" But, I have a confession.  I am just like them.
2014 was filled with so much happiness and peace. I experienced so many miracles and without a doubt in my mind I can say that I know Heavenly Father has been guiding me. I had a tough day towards the end of that summer.  I thought, "nothing ever goes right for me! I am trying so hard to do what is right.  I am doing all I can to take care of and provide for my kids. I am doing my best to teach them the gospel and be an example to them. I am doing all that I've been asked. Then, why?"
Despite every miracle and blessing that I had received the whole year (and my whole life!!!), I got so frustrated.  I am so ashamed at my lack of faith.  I am no better than Laman and Lemuel.  I am no better than the children of Israel. 
This Christmas was one of many miracles.  The scripture comes to mind in Malachi from the Old Testament that says, "I will...open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."  That is exactly what I experienced at Christmas.  So many people have shown so much kindness and generosity. The things I was worried about taking care of, were taken of and then there was much, much more.  I felt that way many times.  "This is so much. I can't even take it all in. I don't deserve this." I thought back on my down days and thought, "how could I have ever questioned that God was taking care of me? After all I have already experienced and continue to experience that make it so clear He is aware."  So I am pathetic! But I have to say thank you to all those who were my angels and who served in a way that was nothing short of how the Savior would serve. You all know who you are! I have cried many, many tears of gratitude for the way that you all have blessed my life!

I realize I will never be able to repay everyone for their kindness and generosity, but I am inspired and determined to pay it forward. The Savior spent His whole life giving. I want to be more like Him.  I hope that this year my family and I can show our gratitude to all of you by spreading His goodness and love. Thank you all again. I have been changed forever and your love will not be forgotten!

Look Up

The year 2012, was by far the hardest year of my life. I didn’t realize it then, but looking back I would say that I was suffering from depression. My life was falling apart and I had no control over it. It didn’t matter what I did or how hard I tried, nothing changed and my spiritual reserves finally diminished.  I was in a dark pit that I could not get out of.

No matter how exhausted I was, every night I would lay in bed thinking about how to fix my life. It would take me 1-3 hours to fall asleep. Then throughout the night I would wake up with my baby or other children which started the process of trying to fall asleep all over. By the time morning came, I never felt that I had slept at all.

The days consisted of me running things over and over in my mind about my life. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t crazy. I was torn between reality and the part of me that kept trying to soften the hardness of what was happening in my life. I was so burned out by fighting this mental battle. I would frequently turn on some Christian music and lay on the floor feeling lifeless. My kids playing around me was like background noise to this constant battle in my head. On those days, I would be praying nearly every second that I could get through that one day or even make it to lunchtime, or dinner, or bedtime.

I distinctly remember when I hit my lowest moment. I was laying in bed looking at the stars out of my window. I rolled onto my knees again pleading for specific struggles I was facing to go away. I wanted to run away, but knew that I couldn’t. I had to be there for my children and really, I knew that there was no running from my life, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I finally just said aloud, “It is not worth living through Hell if that is what it takes to get to Heaven.” At that point, I didn’t care what eternal consequences I would face, I just wanted my trial to be taken from me.

When Carl B. Cook was called as a General Authority for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, he finished his first week feeling extremely overwhelmed. He got on the elevator at the Church Administration Building and was staring down at the floor wondering how he would ever fulfill his calling. President Thomas S. Monson (the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) walked into the elevator and asked “what are you looking at down there?” Elder Cook quickly looked up as he recognized the Prophet’s voice and responded, “oh nothing.” To that, President Monson replied, “it is better to look up.” 

The phrase has stuck with me. It is better to look up. I too have been given a certain calling in life, as is every person on earth, It felt so overwhelming at the time, but I knew I needed to “look up.” From that motto along with what I was experiencing came the creation of this song.  

If you are reading this and are feeling any bit of this despair in your life, I testify that it is worth it to hold on. I know what it feels like to see no end in sight. I know what it feels like to wonder if you will ever be happy. I too have felt that there was no purpose to try anymore; that it really doesn’t matter how hard I try to do everything I should. I was wrong though. I know with every piece of my being that someone is there beside you. I look back on that time and I see now how Heavenly Father’s hand was in every detail of my life. He is with you too. He is leading you to somewhere better. Accept where you are and what you are dealing with, but then push forward and allow Jesus Christ to take the load. There really is hope that the darkness can go away. I wish I would have heard those words or at least allowed myself to believe them when I was so miserable. Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to be happy, but only He knows what path will help you reach the place where you will be most happy. Look up and trust Him.

The Sacrament Cup

A few years ago, I spent countless days and nights searching the scriptures and praying for answers to show me how to solve certain challenges that I was facing in my life at that time. I put forth all the faith that I had in hope that a miracle would occur to take away the emotional pain I was suffering.

When Christ was suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, He plead with His Father saying, “if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”(Luke 22:42) Throughout my struggling, I was constantly praying that my “cup” would pass from me, but it wasn’t until I was able to accept that it wasn’t Heavenly Father’s will that my trial would suddenly go away, that I was able to find peace and allow the Atonement to begin to heal and strengthen me.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland has said, “If the bitter cup does not pass, drink it…” (October 2013 General Conference). The Sacrament cup, to me, has come to symbolize the acceptance of Heavenly Father’s will. Each week as I take the cup and drink from it, I am promising Heavenly Father that I will accept and follow His will and do whatever He asks of me.

Being able to accept and try my best to follow wherever Heavenly Father leads has brought so much light into a world that was dark for me for so long. I know that as I willingly drink from whatever cup Heavenly Father may ask me to partake of, I will be able to withstand any difficulties I will face in my life. I am grateful for my loving Father in Heaven who puts struggles in my life that He knows I need to endure to become like Him and I am grateful for my Brother, Jesus Christ, for making the Atonement possible so I can make it through and accomplish those things.

2kwarriorsmom

2kwarriorsmom? The name comes from one of my favorite stories in The Book of Mormon that has become known as The Two Thousand Stripling Warriors.

There were people called the Lamanites. They were wicked. However, some of them repented of their sins and murders when they were taught about Jesus Christ. Those that were converted called themselves the Anti-Nephi-Lehies. They made a covenant with God that they would no longer shed blood so they buried their weapons of war. They sought protection from the Nephites when the Lamanites came to battle against them. When the Anti-Lehi-Nephies saw all the the Nephites were sacrificing to protect them, some of them wanted to fight back and break the covenant they had made with God, but their sons who had not made the promise to God that they wouldn’t fight, went and fought in their fathers’ stead.

I cannot imagine sending my son off as a young man to fight seasoned, blood-thirsty warriors. These boys were courageous though and they had faith that God would protect them. It says in Alma 56:47, “Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed…the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.” They knew that God would protect them because of the faith that was instilled in them by their mothers. In Alma 57:21 it says,” yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; …[as] their mothers had taught them.” These boys fought and though many were wounded, not one of them died. In verse 26 it says that their preservation was astonishing and it was accredited to their exceeding faith that there was a just God and that whosoever did not doubt, would be preserved by God’s marvelous power.

If I only accomplish one thing in this life, I hope that it will be that I raise children who do not doubt that God is there.  Children who will courageously choose to follow and obey Him with exactness. I hope they can say “my mother knew it” because I do know it. I know that Heavenly Father is there and that through faith and obedience great things, nothing short of miracles, occur. Even if not one other thing turns out in my lifetime, I will die happy if I know my children have developed as deep and unwavering faith as the sons who became known as the 2,000 stripling warriors.